Script Review: [WhyNot] Tasogare Otome x Amnesia – 01
Why would I not review WhyNot?
r/a/ge level: 20/100. No honorifics. English lyrics only for the ending. They’re competing against UTW, so there’s bound to be some undue hate directed toward them.
Missing a comma before “but.”
Missing a comma after “there.”
How did she know it moved if she didn’t notice it? I don’t know the translation for the line, so I can’t offer a suggestion that isn’t just guesslation. But here goes: “That doll moved while I wasn’t looking!” With this, she acknowledges she didn’t see it move, but she’s still aware that it did.
“If even Niiya is scared, there must be something here!”
Having “even” in the original position completely changes the actual meaning of the line, even if one can deduce the intended meaning. It also sounds wrong.
The second independent clause sounds a little awkward. So, “Niiya can communicate with ghosts, so he might be lying to protect me.”
Also, cool typesetting.
“Your sixth sense is really something!”
Once again, the original is stiff.
“Dammit! I should’ve asked an easier question!”
I have the same complaint here that I had in UTW-Underwater’s release: “I’d” is not common for “I had,” and there are always ways to get around using it, which usually end up drastically improving the line.
I think the implication of this line would be better served by changing “being friendly” to “getting too friendly.”
Then > So.
Quotes around the name would be nice. That said, I like this translation more than UTW-Underwater’s, but what’s wrong with “the Haunted Elevator” or “the Malevolent Elevator” if malice is actually part of its name? Oh, wait! How about “The Malevolent-evator”? Genius, I know.
Pretty stiff, literal translation here. “Well, it would seem so, but I don’t think…”
Missing a comma before “weren’t.” Nice rack, though.
This line seems different from the first half, as do a couple others. I’m too lazy to go check, but whatever.
Check out the album here.
This entire exchange would’ve been much more entertaining in WhyNot’s release had they changed some weeaboo-isms like “It’s not about wanting to or not” to “That’s not it…”
I did like the constant references to touching. It was very… touching.
Using “bad” like that is bad. That’s Eclipse-level editing/translating. I would say, “I don’t think it’d be right to blame everything on Yuuko.”
Then, “That’d be the most obvious conclusion, though.”
Missing a comma before “isn’t.”
Okay, so this somewhat makes sense in WhyNot’s release, and I really like the double meaning.
What I liked:
Despite the many, many flaws I pointed out, WhyNot’s release had some good lines. They also called the club the “Paranormal Investigation Club,” which is (probably?) more accurate and sounds better than “Detective Club,” I suppose. Overall, everything made sense. I can only assume that was the translator’s doing.
What I didn’t like:
WhyNot needs to hire some new editors, or their editors need to step it up. They’re getting carried by their translators and simulcast scripts. There were so many errors with punctuation and some phrasing that I wonder if there was even an editor at all. This is regrettable because the entire release was very understandable, and a competent editor could’ve turned this into a 5/5 release. I mean, they had some good points, but I wouldn’t recommend them to the near technical perfection of UTW-Underwater.
Overall Grade: 3 living club members… out of 5.