Script Review: [UTW-Underwater] Tasogare Otome x Amnesia – 01

Who doesn’t want a ghost waifu?

It's dusk? How deep.

r/a/ge level: 70/100. (Just check out UTW’s comments section.) Surprise, surprise! No honorifics. Daiz is killing UTW, fansubbing, etc. There are also romaji and English lyrics for the ending.

Updated April 9, 2012, at 3:30 PM PDT: 100/100. It’ll die down eventually. But even so, I hope that one day, I’ll have as much influence in fansubbing as Daiz. Until then, I’ll just have to stick to juvenile editing. The only way this could reach 200/100 levels would be if Commie was involved.

“Can” should be emphasized.

Lolno. “What’s going on in here? [Oh shi—]” “What are you idiots doing?” At least pick something that captures the meaning of the line without sounding like it came from some angry old man.

Comma splice.

Pinched his neck? Like, he got his neck stuck in the elevator? That’s my best guess, but I have no idea what she’s trying to say.

“I call it ‘the Haunted Elevator’!”

Why Latin? And mobile just sounds awkward. An elevator already moves, after all. I’d also put quotes around new names that have just been dubbed by the character or something.

They’re in the Detective Club. This would’ve been a good place to pay homage to Sherlock Holmes and say, “Brilliant deduction!” The original does read awkwardly.

I love the line the ghost says. Very punny. I hope to see more of these in the future. It’s also pretty funny to see the scene play out with the ghost being visible. The protagonist and ghost are great characters.

A lot of lines with sure in the middle read awkwardly, and this is one of them, so I try to use it sparingly. As such, “This is definitely the \Nwork of a ghost.” Look how nice I was to include the \N. No need to thank me, UTW-Underwater.

I can feel the r/a/ge. We all know Japanese people are incapable of cursing. It does seem a little inappropriate for her character, though. “Holy crap!” or “Ah!!” would be the tamer alternatives. Given my own work, however, I can’t exactly complain about excessive swearing, can I? Also, the tombstone was what fell over.

“Earlier, I said that I had \Nnever seen this place before,” “Earlier, I said that I hadn’t been here before,” etc.

With the above change, the next line could have “have” emphasized.

I almost thought I’d make it through an entire UTW release without seeing an awkward contraction, but I was wrong. Using “I’d” for “I had” is much more uncommon than “I would.” It honestly sounds awkward most of the time. In my 21 years of living, I don’t recall many people (or anyone, really) saying “I’d” for “I had” in normal speech.

Literally? Really? I’ll have to see next episode if this is actually true. I’m just kidding. People use it incorrectly all the time in casual conversation.

What I liked:

There were very few grammatical errors, and they were all very, very minor. The dialogue generally flowed well, save for some lines. I especially enjoyed the banter between the ghost and protagonist. Their chemistry is great, and the lines reflected that.

What I didn’t like:

Awkward at times. Uncommon idioms, phrases, and contractions (oh, the contractions!) were present, but I will say that they were less prevalent compared to other UTW releases, namely Amagami SS+.

Overall Grade: 4 floors on the Haunted Perpetuum Mobile Elevator… out of 5.

This entry was posted by brainchild.

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